Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
