took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I have post one night stand depression
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