No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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