If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
