Moan for me like Helen Keller
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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