I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
