I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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