what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
