that's an acceptable place to lick
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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