before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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