I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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