so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
