you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
