remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
