I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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