I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The uberlube is also flammable
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
