The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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