Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
