Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
