the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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