guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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