Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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