I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
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It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.