does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos