That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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