did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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