So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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