I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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