Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
