hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
