I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
