omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
