I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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