I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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