Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
