He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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