Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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