I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
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i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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