May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
