I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
