Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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