That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
