What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
