I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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