I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
