She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
