I can text with my tongue
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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