Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
