did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
