You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
