You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I got inside last night via doggy door
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
