her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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