Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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