I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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