Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My breasts were aching with rage.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
