I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
