I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
