totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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