my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
