If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
